I can remember advising friends NOT to use the term “gay marriage” when this whole mess started. “Your main opposition,” I told them, “will be the evangelicals.” If you drop the word “marriage” out of the equation and just use the word “civil union” it will neutralize the idea so no one can “spin it.” It will “defang” the issue and you’ll have what you want a whole lot quicker. A great number of more vocal friends were outraged by my suggestion – “but it isn’t the same they pointed out.”  “Why not,” I said, “you get the same benefits and most of the privileges.” Go to a Justice of the Peace have him stamp your papers and you’re good to go. “Hmmm” . . . said a few, “now that you mention it . . . it doesn’t seem like such a bad solution. “No,” raged the outraged vociferous!! “If THEY can use the word . . . WE should be able to use it too.” So being astute it didn’t take the gay professionals excuse me, the “professional gays,” long to coin a new phrase: “separate is not equal,” or at least to publicize the phrase that they lifted from a court ruling. I hasten to point out: one court ruling (while it may help) will not confer equal status. People should have learned that a long time ago – read your history books. In addition, it still won’t make someone like you even if the law says they have to like you on paper.

     Oh let’s be blunt about this! Most of the debate is being fueled by professionals on both sides who stand to benefit from the controversy. How? The problem should be obvious but obviously it is not. First of all, on the one side are “professional” gays and on the other “professional” christians (yeS, I know I used a little “c” – the word processor just tried to correct it and now tells me it’s misspelled – it is not – if the nuance is not clear its time to talk to a theologian). I use the word professional because that is just what they are. If we want to be crass and that is probably just what we should be, we should refer to those working in this capacity as professional lobbying groups – because that is just what they are. Operating under the label of non-profit organizations (though never unprepossessing),  those who work these organizations draw hefty salaries and make a good living off of the controversial topics which causes they support. If the controversies ever died out they’d be forced to go out and look for real jobs which believe me would not pay nearly as much or be nearly as exciting. The second tier of this arrangement is driven by “professional politicians” who join in on whatever side of the controversy (depending on their constituents) is guaranteed to garner them more votes. But politicians, although they consistently remind you what they do is for your benefit, are always doing whatever they do mostly for their own. They work for themselves – not for you – it’s their job. Politicians are professionals and their job is to get re-elected. If they don’t get re-elected they have to go out and look for real jobs as well. Since most of them are poorly equipped to do real work in the everyday world they normally opt to return to the non-profit organization and become lobbyists while they’re waiting to get re-elected as politicians again. Finally, we have the news media which also thrives on controversy and not only stokes the fire but is prone to fan the flames as well. Without controversy or disaster there is, in effect no news at all. So there you have it: a three tiered professional system in which makes its living entirely off the rest of us and keeps everyone in a state of paranoia, upset, anguish, or fear.

     Now back to the problem at hand, the so-called “gay marriage” issue. The stew is bubbling and is piping hot and it doesn’t look as if it’s going to simmer down anytime soon. Not in the near future anyway. If you’re aware of the track record of this country in general and you think you’re going to be sauntering down the aisle anytime soon, then I’ve got a pristine piece of real estate just outside of  New Orleans to sell you –  ready for you to build on. Now, if you’re someone who would rather just live your life and have equal rights too – at least as good as you’re probably going to get in this country during your lifetime, let’s be practical, you’re going to have to opt for another course of action.

     Now I have to admit that in my mind the traditionalists do have a point and maybe that’s why I’d be so uncomfortable applying those cliché terms traditionally associated with marriage to myself and someone else if I were ever in a situation where I had a permanent “partner.” The term “spouse,” “marriage,” “matrimony,” “husband,” and “wife” are traditional terms descriptive of the marriage institution which seems to be pretty much in trouble today anyway with or without any gay input, largely because of lack of commitment and the lack of time allotted by modern life in the US to spend quality time with a spouse. Let’s not digress.

     All else aside, here, quite simply, is the solution to the problem on so-called “spousal” rights for gays and lesbians. This solution will more than adequately cover: precedence, money, insurance, salaries, living arrangements, property and then some. It's guaranteed to give you far more rights than marriage ever would or could. In fact it’s not unheard of for married couples to advance to this as a next step anyway. What is more you can form a whole household around it have your own insignia and acquire, to whatever extent you want to make the effort, international rights and political clout. You could, at least in theory, even bring a partner who is a foreign citizen into the states under a corporate shield. You could, should you so desire, even create interlocking alliances. Simply incorporate yourself! Yes, that’s exactly what I said and I’m not kidding. Think about it! Corporations are individual entities within themselves who are what they say they are (bylaws). They have rights and privileges under the law. In essence (although they have to abide by the general laws of the land in which they operate) they are miniature governments unto themselves operating with a far greater degree of autonomy than any individual can dream. They can even confer international rights and can operate across international borders. This is an end-run that in fact will confer far greater benefits than anyone could dream at the outset.  The corporation as an institution can hold your assets, protect them, distribute them to your partner or a larger family should that need be. My advice is to: “Go for it!”

     Just to let you know when this idea gets published you can be sure that both groups in “tier one,” remember them, will denounce this idea with equal and vehement outrage. The gay professionals ostensibly because it doesn’t give “true equal rights” – whatever those are – and the conservatives because the gay agenda (have they no shame) is not to simply undermine the sacred institution of marriage they have gone on to propose the unthinkable (that’s why were Concrescentists) that the corporate structure of America be used as a cover for their nefarious activities! The thrust of both sides will, in the end,  be to explain “why” this is a bad idea and why it won’t work. They will do this because it for all intents and purposes solves the “gay marriage” issue and they’ll be forced to scare up another issue. It’s getting harder and harder for professional gays to make a living these days. Take it from me, when they begin to denounce it – it will be your own proof positive that it’s the greatest idea since sliced bread.

     Finally, for those who are traditionalists who want to be able to attach the word “marriage” to their arrangement I deeply sympathize. I sympathize because you’re feeling underprivileged and miserable. I sympathize because you’re trying to become what you can never be. I sympathize because you think the way to legitimatize yourself is to stand on someone else’s turf and beg them for a piece of their pie. You know what? On second thought I don’t sympathize at all. If you want wedding bells go find someone of  the opposite sex and propose!